Lost my mojo. How can I reclaim my hotness?

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This is me from 2004.  D and I met online, back in the day when online dating was embarrassing and giggled about.  This is the photo that reeled him in.  2004 me would be horrified if she saw 2012 me.

Don’t look at the shoes. They were ugly even back then.

That was only 8 years ago.  What the flippety jibbets has happened to me?  Yeah, I know I have recently grown a human and had him cut out of my belly, but my feelings of grossness go beyond a stretched uterus.  I used to frequent the gym several times a week and now my idea of exercise is walking down the driveway to check the mail and then walking back up again.  I guess that would explain the loss of my guns and the gain of my tuck-shop lady arms.

I feel yucky all over and I need a plan.  I want to scrape myself off the back end of a monkey’s arse and feel pretty again.  How the hell can I make myself over when money’s too tight to mention?

I haven’t had my hair done since before T was born.  My hair is almost grey with a little bit of brown (slight exaggeration) and so dry and in desperate need of a cut.  I have finally stopped shedding like a Siberian husky in Outback Australia after pregnancy and am left with nothing but shit frizz.

Oh the shame.

So, so much shame.

I haven’t coloured my own hair since K was a baby.  We are on one salary so going to the salon is out of the question.  Back in the day, I didn’t have any greys so it was no biggy.  I’d just whack in a semi, and if I didn’t like the colour I’d change it next time.  Now I need to cover these bad boys up and I’m scared to death of stuffing it.  What’s a girl to do?  I can’t do much about the cut but would a colour rejuvenate me just enough to get by?

Major freaking, hell, shit crisis.  I found a grey hair in my eyebrow.  WTF?  Is it not bad enough that I am half grey downstairs, now I am going grey on my face?

No that is not my eye. If it were, I would sing a song of joy for the beautifulness. The picture is merely a tribute to my asshole-grey-eyebrow-hair.

Another thing.  I don’t shave.  I haven’t shaved since I was about 20.  I know what you’re thinking, but no, I don’t have armpit hair so long you can plait it and then wrap it around my waist and use it as a belt.  I wax.  I wax my legs, eyebrows and lady bits.  I can use an epilady on my underarms because it’s quick and easy.  I haven’t had a wax in months.  It is getting pretty freaking scary.  All I can say is thank gawd it’s winter, but mustn’t be fun for my poor husband to snuggle up to Beast Lady in bed.  I have bought some home wax strips and am going to attempt operation ‘wax thine own legs’.  Anything has got to be better than growing my own coat of fur for the winter months.  Here is a picture of my man toe.  That will give you an idea of what my legs must look like, but I am too embarrassed to actually photograph those. Let your imagination run wild, I guarantee the reality will be far, far worse.

Sexy. Yes, those are my ‘Punchy Uggies’.

I feel so blah.  And to make matters worse, it feels like the Wicked Witch is about to drop her bloody bomb around Vag Town.  Does it get any worse?

People in Blog Land, please feel free to give me any suggestions on how to get my mojo back.  I’m lost and scared and can’t find my way home.  And I need some chocolate.

6 responses »

  1. I love this post. So very much! As a mum of 5 who I’m certain is only hot to my blinded by love hubby, I so relate to it ALL!

    Maybe get some girls together (or even just have the hubs take the boys out for the day and be on your lonesome) and have a DIY spa day/night? Facial, hair treatments, pedicure, all that jazz. There’s heaps of recipes online for spa stuff from your own kitchen. If money’s too tight for a salon, maybe just a semi-pemanent gray covering shampoo-in colour…

    But remember you are your harshest critic. There’s some other harried mum out there wishing she looked as good as you and felt as good as she thinks you look like you feel – y’know?

    • What a great idea, to have a spa night! I will have to do that. I’ve been collecting a few DIY facial and hair treatment ideas on pinterest that I have been wanting to try out. I actually waxed my legs (poorly) and man toes last night and even painted my toenails. It has made the world of difference already!

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  4. Carry a picture on your phone of the shape you want to be, if that person has a novel out buy it, sounds a bit creepy but it kind of works, trying to be like somebody does rub off so long as you stay true to who you are deep down, but some guides along the way in fitness and diet (strictness) is no bad thing, just a reminder of what you want to look like!
    Mine was Arnold Schwarzenegger (I look better now than I did before) 😉 good luck

  5. Pingback: I need help dressing myself. « Four Doodles and a Taco

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