The day I have been dreading is upon me. Scared and sad.

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Dudes, it’s here.  I didn’t want it to happen so soon.  I am not really ready, but life’s necessities have put me in the position where I have to do it.  That’s right folks, the day has come for me to…..

 

Go back to work.

😦 😦 😦 😦 😦  mass use of sad face smilies.

 

I’ve registered for relief teaching and am now just waiting for the phone to ring.  I secretly (not a secret any more) don’t actually want it to ring but, as I’ve said before money’s too tight to mention.  Thank goodness I do not have to go back full time, I honestly don’t know how some mums can do that so soon but I know sometimes there is no choice.  All I am looking for at the moment is 1 or 2 days a week.  I would be happy with just 1 for starters, and 2 max.

It’s not the work part I am dreading.  I’m fine with the work bit.  I love teaching and relief teaching is a pretty good gig.  No planning, no staff meetings, no assessments, no late nights, no pressure.  You get out and about and catch up with heaps of your teaching buddies in staff rooms all around the town, it’s fun (except when it’s not – naughty kiddies), and let’s face it, the money is pretty damn good.  It is the whole leaving T bit and everything that goes along with that which has me freaking out BIG TIME.

We are very lucky that D’s mother is going to look after T for us when I work.  It is going to save us a fortune on childcare and actually make working worthwhile, so that part is good.  She is going to look after him at our house and wants to follow our routine and everything, which is great.  BUT, even though I’ve told her all about it and am going to leave notes (obsessive much) will she get it right?  How is T going to cope without me?  D is great with T, but really, I do the lion’s share of the baby stuff.  T is used to having me around and I know how to get him to sleep, what his cries mean, what he likes for lunch and which are his favourite toys.  I know I am over-thinking this and only time will tell, but I am worried.

 

Many things to stress over.

 

1.  What’s going to happen with the boobs?  T loves my boobs.  T hates bottles.  On the few occasions where I’ve had to leave T at home with D or the Mother-In-Law for whatever reason and left a bottle of expressed boobmilk, he has point blank refused it.  During the hours I will have to be at school T will have to drink 2 bottles!  What if he doesn’t have them?  Will he die?  Will he hate me?  Will his head fall off?  Will my boobs shrivel up like the dead witch’s feet in the Wizard of Oz?

What about pumping?  Pretty much guaranteed that I will have a playground duty for one of the lunch breaks.  Will I be able to pump during the other break?  Where will I pump?  Probably I will have to find a dark corner in the classroom I am in and hide there.  What if a kid sees my boobs?  What if another teacher sees me hiding behind a desk, will they think I am a freak and tell the principal not to have the ‘crazy boob flasher lady’ back again.  What do I do with my milk?  If I put it in the staff room fridge should I label it?  BOOB MILK.  DO NOT USE IN YOUR COFFEE.  If I don’t pump, what will happen to my boobs?  Will they explode?  Will they dry up?  Basically I don’t want our breastfeeding relationship to be ruined for a couple of days of work.  Pleeeeeease tell me it will be roses!

 

2.  Loss of control.  This is going to be a really hard thing for me to deal with.  I need to be in control.  I must know what is going on at all times, with T that is.  I need to know if he has done a poo and what time, colour and consistency it was.  I need to know if he had to grunt it out.  I need to know if he ate all his lunch and did he have lots of water with it.  Lots of water = soft poos.  My idea of lots of water might not be the same as the next persons, holy hell – what if he doesn’t get enough water?  Shit, fuck, fuck.  Will the world implode?  Will he die?  Will he hate me?  Will his head fall off?  Will his butt explode?

I want to know what he does all day.  I try to make sure that he gets outside for a while, does different activities, plays here, pays there…  What do I do when I don’t KNOW what he is doing?  You know, I need to KNOW.

 

3.  Can she handle it?  D’s mum had a terrible accident and fell down a flight of stairs 18 months ago.  She broke her wrist, shoulder and some ribs.  She was injured quite badly and while she has recovered now, she still has weakness and is unable to get down to the floor or anything like that.  She says she’ll be fine as long as she doesn’t have to bath him, which she won’t because he gets bathed at night, so no worries about that.  BUT, T is a baby and babies spend a lot of time on the floor rolling around and playing and I’m not sure if she is going to be able to be put him down and pick him up a gazillion times a day from the floor.  I spend a good part of the day on the floor with him and I know that is not going to happen.  T is going to get pretty shitty if he has to sit on the couch all day!  Just saying.

 

4.  I am going to miss him.  Plain and simple, I do not want to leave him yet.   I really wanted to be able to take a year off with him but alas, a permanent teaching position just did not come my way before T was born.  So unfortunately the life of a contract teacher is this – when your contract is up, you’re out of a job.  Awesome.  Paid maternity leave would have been da bomb, but being broke and unemployed, hey you can’t beat that!!  Can I hear a woohoo!!??   I’m going to miss my little pork chop so freaking much 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦

 

All that aside, I’ve been digging my teaching clothes out of the cupboard and trying to find some that still fit.  I want to look like this:

But in reality I will probably look like this:

And then this:

With engorged exploding boobs.

 

I am freaking out about this big time.  Pleeeeeease, please let it all be ok.  Or better still, could we pleeeeeeeease, please win the lottery?  Or at least an RSL prize home?  I would be totes happy with either.

3 responses »

  1. I’m sorry you have to go back to work hon. I know its a drag. It was hella hard for me to get used to it and some days I really hate it. But on the whole I’ve made it work. The loss of control and pumping are probably my biggest hurdles, but I have managed to cope with both and things are working out just fine. We got Milo used to the bottle by having his Dad give him one each day the month before I went back to work. He learned to love it. I hope T Bear will too. You are kinda lucky in this respect because T is already into solids so you know he won’t go hungry. Over time you’ll learn to deal with the loss of control over his daily experience as well. You just have to build a good relationship with D’s mom. Maybe she could keep a log of his diaper changes, feedings, activities, all that good stuff – so you feel like you are still in the loop?

    As far as the pumping at work goes – I really hope you are able to find a secluded place to pump at the schools you visit. I keep Milo’s bottles in a cooler bag with an ice pack. No one ever even sees whats inside. I really hope the schools are accommodating. Surely they’ve had to deal with pumping moms before? If they aren’t good about it give me their number and I’ll chew ’em out : )

    • I went out today and bought a new cooler bag for my pump and some other bits and bobs. I also made a Day Book with Theo’s routine and information with a log type thing that MIL will have to fill in for em so I KNOW everything, and I am feeling a bit better about it now. I really thought I was going to get a call this morning and was so relieved that I didn’t so I was able to get myself better prepared. I am really glad he is eating well on solids. At least he won’t starve. Thanks for your support xxx I’ll be sure to tell anyone who gives me a hard time that Jaimie will kick their butts.

  2. Pingback: The grossest thing that happened to T. « Four Doodles and a Taco

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