Shit mum.

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It is extremely hard for me to write this post.  I am about to admit things that I can barely admit to myself, but if I don’t get this out soon, I will quite possibly explode and unleash my inner bitch onto the people I love the most and be an even shittier mum than I already feel like I am.

Hands up who has had the dream that you are trying to get somewhere but you just can’t push through the wind and atmosphere that is holding you back?  Like you are grasping at the grass and trees and rocks, trying to pull yourself forward, while you dig your feet into the earth to gain some friction to push against, but despite your best efforts the force pushing against you is just too much?

 

That is how I feel.  Or like I am drowning.

 

I don’t even know where to start or how to explain.

 

I don’t feel like this all the time.  Some days are great and when I am fine, everything is wonderful, but as soon as one little thing goes wrong, it can throw me into the biggest funk imaginable and turn me into an angry, depressed, resentful monster.  There is nothing in this world I love more than my family and all I want to be is a good mother, but I losing touch with the kind of warm, loving, fun mum that I want to be.  Make way for the grumpy, yelling, numb, bitch mother.

I feel like I am losing touch with myself.  I am not this person.  Every day I grow another grey hair and lose a bit more of myself.  Every time I slam a bowl on the bench or say ‘for fucks sake’ I hate myself just a little bit more.

I wanted these babies and I love these babies more than I can possibly put into words and if I had my time over I would still have these babies.  I love them.  I adore them.  I would give my life for them.

 

But, here it is – I am struggling.

 

It is not how hard having two babies is that I am struggling with.  Yes, two babies is bloody hard work.  It is the fact that it is relentless.  It never ends.  Looking after the babies is my job, but it is more than a full time job.  It’s a never fucking ending job.  It’s a ‘never get a GD break’ in your life job.  It’s a non-stop from the moment you wake up until you collapse onto your pillow job.  It’s an on call while you are asleep job.  It’s a 24 hour a day job with no pay, no overtime, no sick days, no weekends, no holidays, no ciggy breaks, no time to eat, no privacy to poo in peace, no time to wash your hair, no me time, no down time, no recognition, no praise, no-one to talk to, hairy legs, bags under the eyes, pyjamas all day, mountains of washing, crap everywhere, groundhog day, just barely existing kind of job.

 

I need a break.  There, I admitted it.  I need a break.

 

I need help and I need support.

 

I need my doodles to pick their own shit up and close the fucking cupboards so I don’t have to spend every waking moment picking up shit that T pulls out, and then deal with the tantrum that ensues.  Don’t bitch because you can’t find your clothes in the morning, put them in the fucking washing basket and I’ll wash them.  Just get ready for school so I don’t have to constantly tell you what to do, you’re teenagers for fucks sake.  Is it so hard to put your shit away in the kitchen after you’ve made a sandwich/noodles/dinner/breakfast?  I picked up 18 fucking dirty socks the other day.  18!  Rubbish goes in the bin, not on the floor.  Don’t fucking taunt T with things he wants but can’t have so I have to be the mean mum when I take him away.  Be thoughtful.  Help without having to be nagged.

 

There is rage in me, there is a deep sadness.  I can’t even say why and I can’t talk to D about it.  I just don’t know what to say, so instead I merely exist and smile through gritted teeth and then cry when I am alone.  But I am telling you blogosphere.  Please don’t think that I don’t love my babies, I do.  I just don’t know who I am anymore.  I need help to find me again.  I want to be happy fun mum.  I want to feel good about myself.  I want to feel attractive.  I want a break.

28 responses »

  1. Oh mate, I could have written this ‘F Bombs’ and all! Have been feeling especially shit over the past few weeks and it doesn’t take much for me to fly off the handle. First day back at school today and I am hoping that will help. Wouldn’t a break be nice. Any time that I would maybe have time for a break I tell the hubby to piss off and have some recreation time……simply because I feel horrible that he works the long and crappy hours that he does, 6 days a week, just for us to survive. I feel guilty that I don’t get any quality one on one time with my kids or my otherhalf. He doesn’t understand why I stay up late at night…….in the peace and quiet……usually in a shithole mess that I refuse to tidy up at that moment. Sometimes I wish that someone would just say to me “I’ve got it covered, piss off for a few hours!” Does that only happen in movies?

    Apologies, I didn’t mean to write an essay. I just basically meant to say “Ditto, I’m feeling ya!” ❤

    • *Puts hand up!!!

      Me too!! I’m right there with you. My life as a sahm of 2 under 2… it’s 2pm and I’m still in my pj’s, I literally just sat down to have some “me” time with my two babies sleeping and what do I hear.. “mummy…” A break would be effing lovely! 🙂

    • omg, I could have written THAT! It feels good to know that others are feeling as shit as me. I mean, I’m not glad anyone else is finding it tough, but it is nice to know I am in good company!

      • Ahahahaha, “This too shall pass!” When they all freaking move out! Lol. Honestly, I think it’s just a, dare I say it, ‘Normal’ part of being a Mum. Just most people don’t talk about it or even admit to themselves or anyone else. A lot of women hide it because they do feel like a failure and are ashamed. Then you’ll get the perfect ones that we all want to be like……but I am yet to meet one 😉

  2. So sorry you feel like that Sophia! I feel like that some days too and I only have one baby!!! You need some time out-get a baby sitter and go spend a night in a hotel!!

  3. My darling Sophia,

    By no means are you a bad mother!!!! You are just simply adjusting and still need to get used to having 2 young babies. It is in your nature to feel like you could always be doing a better job and therefore you will always beat yourself up about everything. Just know that as your friend I will be here for you whenever you need a fellow mumma to vent to.

    Love you mumma!!!
    Love M
    xx

  4. You are not a bad mom you are a mom and all of us need a break from it all and we don’t get it, I am with you – and today happen to feel the same way no matter what we do …so lets all take a break – maybe get together for a “virtual vacation” together I know I really need it as well

  5. No way are you a shit Mum. I honestly can relate so much – and I only have the two little ones to deal with, you have two teenagers as well! It is really tough at times, the relentlessness – I feel like that too. Show this post to D. Take some deep breaths. And know that you are not alone and that this WILL get easier. You are awesome x

    • It is really hard sometimes. Do you really think I should show Dave? I don’t want him to think I am a failure, but something has to give. xxx You’re awesome too

      • Yes, I think you should definitely show him. There is no way that he will think you are a failure. It’s ok to say that you are struggling – man, I say it to Sean all the time! He loves you and cares about you and I am sure he would want to hear how you are feeling. And you have articulated it all so well in this post – may be easier than trying to talk to him about it?

  6. Yes, Let Dave know!!! I wish i had shared with C, MUCH sooner than I did.. I just could not put it into words. I too felt like a failure. I was led to believe that motherhood was so ‘natural’. Oh strewth.
    You have to let D know your feelings.
    Men HAVE to have the picture painted in front of them. He has no idea at all of what a mummy is. When he goes to bed at night to sleep, that is exactly what he does, sleep, while you get up and down all night. Then he cannot possibly work out why you are tired, ‘you went to bed didn’t you??”
    He has to realize that he also contributes to how you are feeling. He loves you. We all do. Every mummy needs an understanding and helpful Doodle. 🙂

  7. Sophia – I think every mum feels like this at some point. I go to work to have a break so weird to say that but I feel like I get to be Amanda and not just mum you need to perhaps arrange some downtime if you can just to go to the movies or have a massage etc. I didn’t shave my legs for a month or dye my hair for 3 months. It’s super hard but you need to ask for help and tell those who love you what’s going on or rage will take over and resentment will follow. I am here if I can help take care

  8. I don’t think it would hurt to tell Dave how you are feeling. It might make it weigh less heavy on your heart. I agree with so many of your friends – we all try to be super moms and there are days where we get hateful about it. I truly wish you could get a break. Is there any family near by that can come help out? Would you be able to relax if someone else watched them for a few hours? I definitely hope your older boys learn to pitch in more.

    • I’ve talk to D a bit and we are working out a break schedule 🙂 My first break is this afternoon. I get to go for a walk ON MY OWN! I have a beautiful friend and her mum coming down for a few hours on Friday to give me a break too and have had nothing but loving supportive messages. I have wonderful friends xx Wish you were closer, I think we could get up to all manner of mischief together 😉

  9. I am so happy there is help on the horizon, my love. You know I would be there in a flash!!!! but for work. Dammit!! You have a many friends.:) I love your friends!!!! 😀

  10. You are definitely in good company. I think every mother feels like this at some point (I feel like this every day!) but it’s the ones who admit it who come out the strongest. You need to try and ask your partner to help more, you need to look around for anyone who can help. For us it’s nursery: we forego a family holiday to afford to send them to nursery a couple of days a week. Even then it’s not enough, it helps, despite the guilt.
    It’s a low point for me when my 4yo daughter repeats my many “for fuck’s sake” and I have to tell her off for repeating my words. Utter parenting fail (though it’s sooo cute when she says it!)
    The rage that came with the birth of my second child, with endless sleepless nights and relentless parenting, terrified me (still does). I never knew I could shout so loud or cry so hard.
    Hang in there. Remember the good days outweigh the bad and you’re only human and you are a brilliant mother. I know this because anyone who is aware of their bad days has more good days than bad.

    • Thank you so much. Writing that post has been one of the best thing I have done lately. I instantly felt better putting my feeling on paper, so to speak, and the supportive comments I received gave me the courage to have a heart to heart with my husband and admit I needed a break.
      I’ve been able to take some time for afternoon walks without babies, which I really love and have been missing so much. I’m just taking it one day at a time at the moment, but I do have to say that my good days are outnumbering my bad ones 🙂

      • I think there aren’t enough parents prepared to be honest. I’ve had doctors and health visitors tell me i’m too honest, when I say I’m at the end of my tether or the kids are driving me mad. No – you have to be honest. It’s a tough tough job and it’s only harder if you can’t share the pain.
        Ironically my daily blog, which started out as a writing challenge, has been a bit like a year of therapy. The support is amazing!

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