Tag Archives: Embarrassing Stuff

I just want to know that I am not alone. Bendy Hair Follicles?

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Fess up.  Who has them?  Who even knows what I’m talking about?

 

Bendy Hair Follicles or BHF as I call them around here.  When your stupid hair grows out one way, and then gets forced into another direction and then it hurts like a mofo.  Yeah, you know what I’m talking about!  Don’t you?

I want to know that BHF is a real thing, and it is not just me.  My husband gives me a look like he thinks I am bat shit crazy whenever I mention it.  But he just doesn’t KNOW.  He has no hair.

I’ll tell you a little secret about hair. Hair is stubborn and hair doesn’t like being told what to do or where to go.

 

These are the people that are likely to be inflicted by this nasty reality:

  1. Curly haired bitches.  I think these girls have it the worst.  Their crap curly hair grows out of their head in all different directions and they generally have very strong evil follicles that resist hairbrushes best efforts to put them back into place.  What happens is this – unless the bitch in question lets her wild tresses go nuts, she has to put it up in some fashion.  There is a 100% chance that whatever hairstyle is chosen, there will be follicles bent the wrong way.  If the poor bitch has kids, especially babies who like to grab hair, wild and woolly hair is just not an option, therefore, she MUST tie it back and subsequently subject herself to the pain of the bendy follicle.
  2. Ballerinas.  These girls wear their hair in buns – right up on top of their heads.  Really tight buns – smothered in hairspray so the hair has no chance of escaping the anti-gravity hold.  This is all well and good while dancing on stage.  The girl looks as cute as a button, but she has no idea what is about to happen.  After her performance and the audience has all gone home, she has to take her hair out.  There is no avoiding it.  Once the 1000 bobby pins come out, her follicles are going to scream as they are allowed to fall back to their natural position.  Agony.
  3. Hippies.  Sometimes, you can get BHF is other places too.  Like your legs if your all hippie like or just don’t shave much.  This usually happens when you wear leggings or stockings.  Pregnant women wear leggings a lot and they also don’t get to shave much because they just can’t.  When you pull your leggings on, your spindly leg hairs are pulled upwards and trapped there.  That is of course until you take your leggings off later.  And then BAM – Bendy Leg Hair Follicles.
  4. Ferals.  Bendy Hair Follicles get worse as your hair gets dirtier.  If for some reason you don’t get to wash your hair very much, like you are homeless or have babies, there is a good chance that your follicles are getting bendier and bendier.  Especially as you keep on pulling your hair back everyday to avoid little hands getting up into your knots and pulling on them.  Also, as your hair gets more gross, you tend to resort to the old bun or shove it under a hat to hide the fact that you haven’t brushed your hair or showered in a month.  Not good options for the BHF sufferer. It’s just a vicious circle.  Sadly, the only way to cure BHF is to wash your hair.  Easier said than done.

 

I am horrified to say that I fall under all of these categories (well, except ballerina.  I haven’t done ballet for a long time, but I REMEMBER!).  And my hair gets curlier and bendier after each baby!  Forgot to mention – going to bed with wet hair is also a big no-no for the person with BHF as your head on a pillow is bound to push your wet follicles into unnatural positions and dry there.  Problem is, I generally shower at night after babies are asleep, but I don’t want to wash my hair then or it would be worse in the morning!  (not to mention that curly haired bitches SHOULD NEVER go to bed with wet hair or they wake with the afro from hell)  Sometimes my head hurts so bad that I pounce on D as soon as he gets out of bed in the morning and beg him to take the babies so I can wash my goddammotherfuckingbendyhairfollicles before I chop my head off, stomp on it and throw it in a fire.

I looked and looked for a curly haired bitch photo of myself but there just aren't any because I ALAWYS pull it back - thus making my BHF worse!

I looked and looked for a curly haired bitch photo of myself but there just aren’t any because I ALWAYS pull it back – thus making my BHF worse!

Is this normal?

Do YOU have BHF?

This is me, but this is not me.

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I’m not quite sure how it happened but I got a little bit fat.

 

Oh yes, that’s right, I remember now, I had 2 babies and I ate a whole heap of cake.  Then I ate chocolate and another cake and then some chocolate cake.  But that is fine, I like cake and I enjoyed eating it but I am not too keen on my new body.

Back in the day, way back when, I was able to eat cake whenever I pleased and kept my svelte figure.  So why not now?  Plain and simple – I’m now OLD (and I had 2 babies, but mostly it’s because I’m old).  The old metabolism just ain’t what it used to be.

Somewhere between going to university, getting married, working, trying to conceive, two more babies and getting old, I lost my ability to eat cake without wearing it on my ass.  And belly.  And thighs.

 

This was me not too long after D and I met.  So about 9 years ago.  I’ll be the first to say it, my body was a rockin.  I was fit, I was strong and looked pretty damn fine in a bikini.  Probably had a lot to do with how much time I spent in the gym.  I guess once I got a boyfriend and a LIFE and a lot more busy, I let the gym slip a bit.  Well, truth be told, I let it slip completely.

With a mini K and a mini J

With a mini K and a mini J.  

 

It is pretty safe to say that I will never look like that again, but now that my body is all mine again, I would like to try and get as close to my former healthy me as I can.

You know how people always say that breastfeeding will help you loose weight?  That may be true, it certainly did when I had K, a million years ago, but that was when I was young.  Now, the years have not been that kind to me and while you do need to eat a few extra calories to make that yummy boob milk for your baby, I think I really was going overboard with the cake.  And brownies.  And cookies.  I hang my head in shame.

 

So here is the plan.  This is operation reclaim my hot bod.  I actually don’t have a real plan except trying to watch what I eat and EXERCISE.  I’ve started counting calories to try and keep my cake habit under control and I WILL MAKE TIME TO EXERCISE.

I’ve started the 30 Day Shred.  The first day nearly killed me.  When Jillian Micheals began with push ups I nearly died but I made it through.  H was propped up on the couch watching me, T joined in and Chum decided that lying in the middle of the floor was the perfect spot.  Yesterday I recovered because every muscle ached, but I did day 2 today and wasn’t even as hard.  Except the crunches.  They were really hard as I had a great big lump of T who thought sitting on my tum was fun.

 

To keep me honest and motivated I am going to show you all me in a bra.  I am mortified by these photos but now that I am showing the world my wobbly bits I will work even hard to make them disappear so I can come back here and post my after photos.

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Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I’m smiling but only out of embarrassment.

 

I going to aim for the 30 Day Shred 5 times a week, and I am going to try running.  I hate running with a capital H, but as much as I love walking it just doesn’t DO ANYTHING for me any more.  I already have my 2 afternoon walks a week locked in so I am going to attempt the Couch 2 5K during that time so I don’t need to find the extra time to run.  And if I can’t handle it, well I can just walk it.

I’m just dying to feel fit and healthy again and look sexy in underwear.

 

T wants an active Mummy too, so he has been helping me do my workout.