Fess up. Who has them? Who even knows what I’m talking about?
Bendy Hair Follicles or BHF as I call them around here. When your stupid hair grows out one way, and then gets forced into another direction and then it hurts like a mofo. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about! Don’t you?
I want to know that BHF is a real thing, and it is not just me. My husband gives me a look like he thinks I am bat shit crazy whenever I mention it. But he just doesn’t KNOW. He has no hair.
I’ll tell you a little secret about hair. Hair is stubborn and hair doesn’t like being told what to do or where to go.
These are the people that are likely to be inflicted by this nasty reality:
- Curly haired bitches. I think these girls have it the worst. Their crap curly hair grows out of their head in all different directions and they generally have very strong evil follicles that resist hairbrushes best efforts to put them back into place. What happens is this – unless the bitch in question lets her wild tresses go nuts, she has to put it up in some fashion. There is a 100% chance that whatever hairstyle is chosen, there will be follicles bent the wrong way. If the poor bitch has kids, especially babies who like to grab hair, wild and woolly hair is just not an option, therefore, she MUST tie it back and subsequently subject herself to the pain of the bendy follicle.
- Ballerinas. These girls wear their hair in buns – right up on top of their heads. Really tight buns – smothered in hairspray so the hair has no chance of escaping the anti-gravity hold. This is all well and good while dancing on stage. The girl looks as cute as a button, but she has no idea what is about to happen. After her performance and the audience has all gone home, she has to take her hair out. There is no avoiding it. Once the 1000 bobby pins come out, her follicles are going to scream as they are allowed to fall back to their natural position. Agony.
- Hippies. Sometimes, you can get BHF is other places too. Like your legs if your all hippie like or just don’t shave much. This usually happens when you wear leggings or stockings. Pregnant women wear leggings a lot and they also don’t get to shave much because they just can’t. When you pull your leggings on, your spindly leg hairs are pulled upwards and trapped there. That is of course until you take your leggings off later. And then BAM – Bendy Leg Hair Follicles.
- Ferals. Bendy Hair Follicles get worse as your hair gets dirtier. If for some reason you don’t get to wash your hair very much, like you are homeless or have babies, there is a good chance that your follicles are getting bendier and bendier. Especially as you keep on pulling your hair back everyday to avoid little hands getting up into your knots and pulling on them. Also, as your hair gets more gross, you tend to resort to the old bun or shove it under a hat to hide the fact that you haven’t brushed your hair or showered in a month. Not good options for the BHF sufferer. It’s just a vicious circle. Sadly, the only way to cure BHF is to wash your hair. Easier said than done.
I am horrified to say that I fall under all of these categories (well, except ballerina. I haven’t done ballet for a long time, but I REMEMBER!). And my hair gets curlier and bendier after each baby! Forgot to mention – going to bed with wet hair is also a big no-no for the person with BHF as your head on a pillow is bound to push your wet follicles into unnatural positions and dry there. Problem is, I generally shower at night after babies are asleep, but I don’t want to wash my hair then or it would be worse in the morning! (not to mention that curly haired bitches SHOULD NEVER go to bed with wet hair or they wake with the afro from hell) Sometimes my head hurts so bad that I pounce on D as soon as he gets out of bed in the morning and beg him to take the babies so I can wash my goddammotherfuckingbendyhairfollicles before I chop my head off, stomp on it and throw it in a fire.
Is this normal?
Do YOU have BHF?